When Success Doesn't Feel Like Success: Navigating Mixed Emotions After A (Relative) Win

It's a weird feeling to operate at the intersection of knowing something went well - and knowing that you, internally, prayed it would go better. Like I prayed to God for weeks before this huge event, and it went well - it really really did but, idk. There's this disconnect for me. I can prepare, plan, practice, and then when I step out to actually share it's like the nerves are louder than the confidence I spent weeks cultivating. It's so - irritating that I focus on what went wrong more than what went right. And - truly - so much went right. Part of me wonders if the issue is connected to the fact that I feel like I don't deliver the way I think other people want me to deliver. Or if, well, maybe I'm just not in the right field?

When I was fresh out of college I remember hearing this EPIC sermon from Rev. Fomby. She spoke about how one of the worst things a person can do is to spend years building and climbing a ladder only to discover that it's up against the wrong building. So, idk - and maybe it is a millennial thing? They come for millennials every 5 seconds (I honestly don't understand why because we're amazing) and one of the things they throw at us the most is our inability to commit to a career path. So maybe it's that?

All I know is - focusing on this has really undermined the joy I could be - and should be - experiencing in this moment. They don't talk about that tension enough for me. The tension between knowing that God did show up - and accepting the fact that He didn't show up the way you thought He would. I know it shouldn't matter what I wanted. I'm clear it's not my will but God's, but - being honest about that tension (Lawd, I've said "tension" three times!) is also very freeing.

Anyway, tomorrow I shall lean into the joy, own the win, and let this be the last of the doubt.

Let it be so in Jesus' name.

Note: YAY SECOND POST!